Now is your chance to buy your very own plush colon. Just like your real colon, this guy is lovable and squeezable. The only difference is this one is clean, won’t pinch off a loaf and it has googly eyes. Usually, it’s me who gets googly eyes, from straining too hard.
TMI? Deal with it. I name my pooping sessions after the books I finish with each sitting. I just took a huge War and Peace. Lately I’m a big George R.R. Martin fan too. The other day I took a Storm of Swords and later that night, I took a Feast of Crows sized dukie that almost set off the fire alarm. I’m calling this whole week A Song of Grunting and Fire.
This cuddly colon is only $30 from Etsy seller organbank, who makes lots of other plush organs too.
Damn Marilyn. That ain’t gonna look good when you’re 80 years old. Ohhhhhhh, my bad. Now I feel awkward. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the time you have. Mind if I take a look and see what’s under that Martini glass? 
Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? *Not you. You look like a fantasy troll who got into a car accident and then had botched reconstructive surgery. (Evil mirror laugh)* You see why I don’t have any mirrors in the house? *Smashes mirror(Because really, what’s another 7 years of this s**t?)*
Bats in your belfry? That’s cool. Me too. I also keep my wine in there, so these Fruit Bat wine accessories are perfect. Good butler! Fetch me some wine and a fruit bat to open it with! These bar accessories would be awesome in Bruce Waynes Batcave or even in a haunted house. They come in a coffin box. Just $75 from Etsy seller 
Yeah I know. Pixies are so beautiful. They just flutter around, spewing glitter from their wings, granting virgins free wishes and making flowers glow in vibrant colors with their passing. I’ve seen the propaganda. The truth is that Pixies are pests. And pests need to be eliminated. With extreme prejudice. That’s what Pixie traps are for.