Author: Artemis Winterford

Miniature Wooden Alien Cow Abduction UFO Scene

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ufo cow abductionThis hand carved miniature Alien Cow Abduction scene by artist David T. Arber Jr. is the perfect toy for kids or adults who like to re-enact scenes of cow abduction. It recently sold for $112.50 on Ebay.

If only E.T. just wanted to phone home. The real world is more complicated and terrifying than that. E.T. wants to abduct humans and cows, playing strange games with their bungholes. It’s because they made a deal with our government. Their technology in exchange for being Earth’s premiere proctologists.

Now if you will excuse me, my tin foil hat is picking up some transmissions from a nearby star. I have to send a signal back. EARTH TO ET. COME IN ET. THIS BACKSIDE IS A-OKAY. NO NEED FOR AN EXAM. I REPEAT, NO NEED FOR EXAM. STAND BY FOR NEW TARGET NAME. GEORGE LUCAS. I REPEAT, GEORGE LUCAS.
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Bizarre Two Headed Mummy

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twin terrorsThis monstrosity looks like every annoying teen duo that you have ever seen at the mall, just gabbing away at each other’s faces like sugar-fueled little rottweilers barking things like “OMG”, “I know, right!”, “That was so totes brill Bethany!”, and other stupid things at each other. These terror twins just have more rotted skin and yet are less emaciated than the mall rat variety. They are also much smarter and less likely to get hit by a bus while checking a text, saying, “OMG guys! It’s from Brad!”

These two are BFFs, literally. Connected for all time. They look just as shallow as mall vermin, but they won’t run their gobs non-stop at you. It only looks like they are talking each other’s decaying heads off. Only $625 on Ebay.

One more shot below.
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Oil Painting Of A Monkey Man In His Natural Habitat

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monkey manThis oil painting on canvas is only $169.90 on Ebay. He’s just chillin’. Waiting on some bananas. Looking kinda sad because he has no monkey man buddies to fling his poo at/with.

I want to pet him, but I know I would just get Monkey Man rabies. And I really don’t trust anything that resembles Richard Gere.

It’s Your Funeral: 50-Piece Mini Graveyard Kit In Custom Wooden Coffin

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graveyard kitSo, you are playing with your LEGO minifigs and LEGO Batman and Robin are fighting LEGO Joker. Suddenly LEGO Joker kills the Boy Wonder. Eventually Batman ends the fight and hauls the Joker off to Arkham Asylum. Sadly, it is time for a visit to the graveyard, so you can have a funeral and bury your sidekick. Alas, LEGO doesn’t make a kit for that.

Fortunately, Etsy seller jpants4sale does and you can get it for just $170. The set comes in it’s own wooden coffin too.
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Attention Deficit Design: Rotary Phone In A Bedpan, Attached To A Tripod

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bedpan phoneScore! This is a $150 rotary phone in a bedpan, attached to a tripod. It is basically a landline/urinal that will make a huge nasty mess if you ever tried to use it. Craft fail? You’re talking on it/peeing in it. Must be the new retro phone from A Pee & Pee.