Crystal Head Vodka Skull Wall Sconce

Crystal Head Vodka Skull Wall Sconce
This Crystal Head Vodka Skull Wall Sconce is fun and crazy. Every time you turn on the light, it’s like *ding*, an idea goes off in his head, but it must be the same idea over and over again cuz he only does one thing. Light up your room. So this is what a sconce is. I always wondered. I thought it was a term for people who come from Wisconsin. I’ve been calling then sconces forever. Oh well. You live you learn. Or in my case, you live and you just blunder your way through life, thanking God for your stupid Forest Gump type luck.

It’s made from a Crystal Head Vodka bottle. Pretty cool. I still can’t believe sconces aren’t from Wisconsin.

Krampus Christmas Wreaths: Ho Ho…No!

Krampus Christmas Wreaths
These Krampus Christmas Wreaths are pretty cool. Ho Ho No! They are from Etsy seller FantasyClayFlowers. Krampus punishes naughty children during Christmas. Not to be confused by my grandfather aka Grampus, who likes to take his teeth out and torture kids on Christmas. Fun fact: I always thought Krampus was spelled Crampus and only came out once a month so that women could torment men as revenge for cramps. The wife’s been nice for awhile, so basically, myth busted.

Hmmm. If you get a tramp stamp of Krampus, you have a Trampus. Something to think about. I’ll give you one, you give me one, cool? Hey! You gave me Grampus! WTF! Not cool!

On second thought, they do kinda look the same. Except Krampus has teeth.
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Squirrel In Underpants Ornament

Squirrel In Underpants Ornament
I see London, I see France, I see a Squirrel In Underpants. And some things you can’t un-see. You would be nuts not to have this Squirrel In Underpants Ornament on your Christmas tree. Are you looking for nuts, Squirrel? Check that elastic waistband and I bet you find two. This guy looks pretty happy to just be chillin’ in his briefs. Chillin’ on your tree. Occasionally scratchin’ himself in his underwear. Actin’ all Squirrelly.

This ornament is for my kind of Christmas. I would be sitting in my chair in my underwear, staring at him. He would be in his underwear staring at me from the tree. Then the guy in his underwear outside would be staring at us both- What the hell? Who invited that guy?

Anywho, animals in underwear are better than animals bare. That’s what I always say. Which is why I like to venture into the forest and underwear all the critters at night.

These Monster Hanging Chairs Scare The Sit Out Of Me

Monster Hanging Chairs
South African designer Porky Hefer has reimagined the nest chair as monster hanging chairs that will take a bite out of your butt if you sit in them. These chairs are all monster, all mouth, all the time. They are in orca, anglerfish, pelican, pufferfish, and crocodile versions. The series is called “Monstera Deliciosa”. That means that monsters find you tasty. This beats my attempt at making all of my chairs into monsters. *Looks at the googly eyes on my bean bag chair. Jumps on and sinks in, disappearing. Sticks my arm out, giving the thumbs up.* I’m all good peeps. Just give me like an hour until it spits me out.

Make a chair into a monster? I even tried insulting it, telling it that it would never be loved, and neglecting it in favor of the other chairs in the house. Unfortunately, how my parents made me a monster doesn’t work on chairs. I guess I’m not an artist. Whatevs. I’m pretty good at farting the A-Team theme song though. I’m a fartist.
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Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt

Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt
Well call me Aquaman and slap me with your mermaid tail, you have one fine set of fish fins. No, don’t really slap me. I hate getting slapped with fish. It happens more often than you might think. This Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt is all kinds of sexy. Say, why are mermaids never actually maids? You never see Ariel cleaning up the house, dusting all the knick-knacks and doing laundry, having to hop in the shower or the kiddie pool every 15 minutes to keep her mermaid skin wet.

I’m gonna start a mer-maid service and get a whole stable of mermaids to clean rich people’s houses. What’s the name for a whole group of them? A gaggle? Heh. More like a waggle, judging by the way they sway their hips when they swim. A maraude. That’s it. A maraude of mermaids. A mess. A masquerade. A mirage. See, now I’m just grasping at scales, which usually ends with a mer-tail slapping my face. Which I usually deserve.