Tag: etsy

Ouija Cutting Board

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

ouija cutting board
Hey look! An Eatja board. Clever word-pun for a Ouija Board cutting board. You can remind yourself of that little laugh when you cut your finger on this thing while chopping vegetables as your blood runs into the various letters spelling E-F-F-I-N-G…O-U-C-H!

I like to slap a piece of steak down and cut a hole in the middle, then place my fingers down gently and watch that flesh move across the board as I look for guidance on my meal. *Meat moves* H-A-V-E…A…S-A-L-A-D!

The other side really is full of evil!!!! GET OUT OF HERE SATAN! *Throws board in my grill and lights it on fire. Uses fire to cook steak.*
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Silver Dinosaur Head

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Silver Dinosaur Head
Man, rich people have all the fun and luxury stuff. By rich people, I mean people with $100 to spend. Like this insane silver dinosaur head. It will probably be on the wall in some house that has a baby. People will be all like, “Were you born with a silver spoon?”

And he’ll be all like, “No, but we had a silver dinosaur head! So yes I am better than you. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I said PASS THE GREY POUPON you peasant! Chop chop!”

Nosferatu Cookies

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Nosferatu Cookies
Is that a Nosferatu cookie or that dude from Despicable me after a few months of Jenny Craig? I have no idea, but I’m gonna chomp these cookies up like crazy. You get a half dozen (that means 6 for all of your mathematically challenged folks. No worries. It took me like 10 minute to get the answer.).

Damn, the eyes on this cookie really seem to follow you! *Moves cookie from side to side slowly, checking out it’s eyes. Moves it up and down.* Stop looking at me while I eat you! *Flips cookie over so it’s back is toward me. Starts eating each from behind. Then notices the mirror in front of me and sees that it is still watching me. Hisses loudly and claws at the image, continuing to devour them.*

Mutant Mask From The Year 19807

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Mutant Mask From The Year 19807
So this is a Mutant Mask From The Year 19807. The future is messed up ya’ll. When years become like zip codes, you know you are in the future. How else can you tell? Because your head looks like this mask. All mutated and freaky. Here is what the seller has to say:

This is A Mutant Mask from The Year 19807 that the Pixelated People in Space Used to fight The Neon Spiders of Future Space 19807!

Fair enough.

You can wear this but you will be silly and awkward. You can’t see out of it well and it’s floppy and wont fit that well. This is designed to make The Future Pixelated People feel Silly and use their Silly Powers to Fight Those Silly Neon Spiders!

Mission accomplished. I just photoshopped this thing on my head to see how it would look. Then I got attacked by a spider. I squished it. I felt my silly powers ignite, so I tapped danced over it’s dead body and did the moonwalk, spreading it’s guts all over. Shizz works!
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Monster Beer Steins For A Monster Thirst

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Monster Beer Steins
These Monster Beer Steins from KachaktanoMugs will quench your thirst. For beer and for monsters. Quench your thirst. That’s a weird saying. It makes it sound like you are gonna strangle your thirst. Take that thirst! *Chokes self as I writhe around on the floor.* Yeah, I’m still thirsty. Also lightheaded and seeing pretty colored stars.

*Acts all nerdy and superior.* Yeah, well, you didn’t get all of the monsters… I don’t see Beer-ous Karloff. What about Herman “Heineken” Munster? What about the Creature From The Pabst Blue Ribbon Lagoon? *Quells nerd rage!* Gotta control my anger. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Mostly cuz I get all whiny and stuff.
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