Tag: fun

Nuclear Family Nesting Dolls: Mutated Matryoshkas

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mutant nuclear family matryoshka nesting dolls
This menagerie of mutant Matryoshkas look murderous and malevolent. Gotta be honest. Not even sure I spelled matryoshka right. Spell check isn’t helping. It does have “try” in it, so as long as you try, that’s all that counts.

These five nesting dolls are a real nuclear family. They have the radiation, falling out teeth, blisters and the odd tentacle or two to prove it too. I haven’t seen a family so ugly since I made my own. Not now junior, daddy’s working. Here’s a pork chop. The dog will play with you now.
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Bigfoot Chia Pet: Cr- Cr- Cr- Cryptid

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bigfoot chia pet
Now you can have a Bigfoot sighting on your kitchen counter top or table. This Bigfoot Chia Pet has traded in his stinky fur in for some green herbs. It looks like a stylish Sasquatch business suit that he grew himself. Plus it makes a comfy bed. That he can wear and poop in and stuff, while he’s rubbing his big old Bigfoot butt against trees. I wish I could wear my own bed. How com the Sasquatch can just drop and sleep wherever he is and I can’t?

I’m making my own Chia suit. Not only will it be super comfy, but it will definitely make me smell better too. It beats the one I’m wearing now. Makes me all itchy. I picked a bunch of leaves near some geek convention or something, because the sign said Poison Ivy. Bah. I didn’t see any hot cosplayer covered in greenery or even Batman. Man, I’m really itching and burning. Should I be able to scratch clear down to my bone like that, through a blistery and bloody hole?
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Passover Plague Masks: One Holiday, Ten Plagues

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plague masks
Not to get all History channel here, but this requires some explanation. Basically the Pharaoh refused to let Moses’ people go so God sent a series of plagues upon the Egyptians. Not sure what his excuse was for those STDs he smited me with last year, but whatevs. These Passover Plague Masks represent the ten plagues. Sounds like a ton of fun.

Passover Plague Masks. Your child can choose from boils,wild animals,locusts,lice, firstborn, cattle plague, frogs,darkness, blood and hail. I call Locusts. I already have the boils on my butt and I’m pretty sure I have lice thanks to that thrift store hat I scored for a buck. More like 20 bucks since I had to buy that special shampoo. You live, you learn, you itch.

Jurassic Houseware: Dinosaur Plates

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dinosaur plates

Eat up and make that meal extinct when you eat off of Dinosaur Plates. Have some Tex-Mex on a T-Rex, serve up the broccoli on a Brachiosaurus. Get all Pie-rannosaurus on a Tyrannosaurus! Reminds me of that time my roommate got a set of fancy Dinosaur plates. I cut a hole in the ceiling and waited for him to finish his dinner, then I throw rocks through the hole and broke ’em into a million pieces. “Meteors! Run or you’ll all be extinct!”

After he cooled down, he ordered more and informed me that the dinosaurs went extinct because the plant life died everywhere, not because of a meteor. So the next week I threw out all of his fruit and vegetables and put X’s over all the dinosaur eyes before I smashed the plates and buried them in his trash, with some chocolate syrup to simulate fossil fuel.

Cthulhu Fetus Pups

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cthulhu baby pups
My Cthulhu just had pups. Aren’t they adorable? I mean, they’re gonna grow up to destroy the world, but still. Now I gotta go through the hassle of printing up some flyers. You know “Free Cthulhu pups” call me at the number below. I named them Zoidberg, Squidchin, Tenta-butt and Squiggly.

Their mother died, so I have to milk them myself. I gotta come clean, the mother is fine. I just enjoy it. But my man-boobs are starting to dry up. Except when they cry. Then it’s like a leaky faucet. We got a weird bond thing happening. My nipples are pretty irritated though.

Damn it Zoidberg, stop clawing at the sofa.