These small zombie candles look like Simpsons zombies. Sure, you’ll smell their brains burning, but at least you get to watch some heads bleed and melt. The seller says that their names are Homer, Eyegore, Homer with blood and Fergal.
You can get them with or without blood splatters. They are perfect for Halloween or as a stress reliever. Call me crazy, but there’s something soothing about watching heads melt. Maybe that’s just me.
Check out this wooden head knife block from Etsy seller DisturbingWood. Ha! DisturingWood! You should see me in the morning! *rimshot*
I need another knife block like I need a knife through my wooden head, but if you buy this one, make sure you giggle every time you slam a knife down into it, just to make your guests or housemates really uncomfortable. No charge for that tip. I have a million ways to clear a room and they don’t all involve ejecting poison gas from my butthole. Although that is my specialty.
This set of Alien Head Salt And Pepper Shakers is what you want on the table when you abduct your next dinner guest. As any alien knows, it is only polite to feed them first, before you go anal probing the subject. Wine ’em, dine ’em, then confine ’em. That’s my motto! Wait! That came out wrong. I mean, if I was an alien.
This is a swell spread guys. You are the best dinner hosts an abductee could want. Thanks for the meal. And here I was worried that I was going to be subjected to experimentation. Ha! You guys are alright! What’s next? I have plenty of room for dessert!*rubs tummy*
*Four sets of black eyes turn toward me* The leader sends me a telepathic answer:
Uranus.
*Jaw drops to the table.* *Passes out and falls forward into a bowl of mashed potatoes.*
This Sign Language Wall Clock is perfect for those of us who can’t hear and can’t read numbers at the same time. Like my senile grandpa who continues to “garden” in the sink. Poor guy. He thinks his poopy diaper is actually fertilizer he bought from the garden store and that anything from my fridge is a flower. In his defense that diaper weighs about the same by the time he drops his cargo and tears it off. Damn it gramps! Stop dipping Hot Pockets and pudding pops in poo! I’ll take that bag of corn too. Looks like that’s the one crop you grow just fine!
Even he could understand this clock. I think it should show the middle finger at 6 though, because that’s when I go to work. This guy’s costing me a fortune in food and sanitizer.
These pencil holders from Morgan’s Mutations will make your desk a terrifying place. But at least your pencils will be organized and stabbed into the heads of these grotesque monstrosities. The ones with the long tongues are especially scary. Get your number 2 pencils and your nightmares ready!
Use it to hold pencils, pens, anything that needs tidying up on your desk. It will also store and feed off of your fear, but I think that’s pretty obvious. These are great if you have a pen thief in the office. They won’t have the guts to reach for one now. You might even put a fake bitten off finger in there as a warning.
Read more “Monster Pencil Holders”