Tag: bizarre

Apron Of Flesh With Bonus Purse Of Flesh

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

flesh apronHey, serial killers have to cook too. And nobody likes to stain their clothes. I’m not sure how many people had to die to make this flesh apron, but judging by the amount of eye-holes that I see, there are at least 7 extra people invited to dinner.

I hear ya. It needs an accessory just as fleshy. To flesh it out. You’re thinking, “It’s cool and all, but this outfit needs more skin in the game if I’m gonna buy it”. Well, you can also get a matching Flesh Purse. Now you are all set to host a dinner that your guests will never forget…And never leave.

Yeah, this is from the same Etsy seller that gave us the People Pot Pie, so we already know what’s on the menu.
Read more “Apron Of Flesh With Bonus Purse Of Flesh”

Alien Walking Stick

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien Walking StickNeed a new walking stick? Try this Alien Walking Stick. Sounds like an insect that looks like an alien, but it is a walking stick that looks like a scary grey alien. Both are terrifying. Especially when you consider that old people like to hit young people with walking sticks. How would you like to get whacked in the face by this walking stick and then have an imprint of an alien on your face all day?

Hey, what happened to your face? Oh that? Helped an old lady across the street and into her UFO. She said I had seen too much and started whacking me. Laid there for about a half an hour after the thing took off, until some men in black arrived, took a blood sample, kicked me a few times and told me that I saw nothing and don’t talk about this EVER. I guess I just did.

Gonna end this here. Someone’s knocking on the door…This isn’t good.
Read more “Alien Walking Stick”

Giant Lobster Claw Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

giant lobster claw lampDamn. That’s one giant lobster claw. It’s perfect for that Spongebob Squarepants themed room you have been decorating. It can go right next to your crabby patty snack tray. Fun fact: I tried square pants for about a year, but my sharp butt corners kept tearing my couch to pieces. That is such BS that that guy can sit on any furniture.

Anyway, this giant lobster claw lamp will look great in any nautical themed room. It even has a spool of rope around the bottom like some now-dead sailor tried to catch it. Nope, Didn’t work. All you gave him was a lobster bracelet while his other claw snapped you clean in half.

No way I’m getting this lamp. With my faulty electrical system, this thing would reanimate every time I got a power surge. Playing “Turn the lamp on and see if you still have fingers after” is not a fun game. I already play a similar game every time I add another plug to that one mass of plugs I call my “one outlet to rule them all”. If it sparks that’s how you know it’s working. At least that leaves my fingers intact as it’s frying my body.
Read more “Giant Lobster Claw Lamp”

Large Black Velvet Cat Cleaning Itself Plush Sculpture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cat cleaning itself plushI should get this weird cat cleaning itself plush sculpture to show my cat how messed up she looks when she is doing kitty yoga and licking herself all over like she’s a friggin’ ice cream cone. It’s just rude. You don’t see me lifting my leg up and licking my flabby nerd body in front of company. No. I wait until I’m alone to do that stuff because I know it’s f***ing weird.

This thing is 16 inches tall and looking pretty creepy with no damn eyes at all. No way I would let this in my house. This cat’s ready to give himself more licks than the Tootsie Pop owl and will probably finish off with a great big bite too.

Click through for more pics, including one where this cat is doing his thing outside for the neighbors to see. No damn shame!
Read more “Large Black Velvet Cat Cleaning Itself Plush Sculpture”

Edible Candy Bra Is Sadly Not Packing Reese’s Cups

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Edible Candy BraA candy necklace that is not a necklace at all, but a bra that women can wear on their boobies? Never got offered one of those on Halloween. I guess this edible boulder holder is all about the foreplay. Well, I may be old fashioned, but I don’t think that foreplay should give you cavities. So just take that off right now and let me nibble for about ten minutes, then we can get down to business.

Ten minutes later:

Damn that was good. Sorry babe, can’t do the deed. Too much sugar. Sleepy time now. Sugar coma. Great choice in lingerie. You should buy another one. Nighty night. *mumbles…snores…drools*

One minute later:

*Jolts awake* Why are you hitting me? OW that hurts. OW quit it! What the hell are you whipping me with?

I did buy another you son of a b***h and now we’re gonna use it. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Your new name is Candy Man. On your knees and sing the song! DO IT!

*crying/singing* Who can make the sun rise?…..
Read more “Edible Candy Bra Is Sadly Not Packing Reese’s Cups”