Category: Just Plain Weird

Willy Care Kit: Don’t Leave Home Without It

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Willy Care Kit
Man, I gotta start dating. Problem is when I signed up for match.com, my membership screen said “We have found a match for you: MY ASS YOUR FACE”. Nice. Thanks for nothing. I have feelings too you know. Except in my buttcheeks. They’re all tingly and numb from sitting here all day bringing you awesome and weird stuff. Go me.

This Willy Care Kit might help me to up my dating game. You gotta keep tidy and neat after all and us guys are dating for two. *Looks down* You and I both have to shape up. Then once we get a woman we can let ourselves go again. Deal?

This kit comes with a fluffing brush, styling sheers, a sprucing mirror and even some evening wear for the little guy in the form of a little necklace.

Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

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Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
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6 Foot Tall Nosferatu Vampire Figure

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nosferatu figure
Nosferatu, why don’t you come to your senses? You been out ridin’ fences for so long now… This 6 Foot Tall Nosferatu Vampire Figure scares the hell out of me. He looks like some squirrels nibbled on his ears. Apparently those glass eyes light up when you plug a 9-volt battery in, insuring nightmares for all. Only $700.

Also, check out those bags under his eyes. Dude needs more sleep. This is exactly what you will look like with this crazy freaky thing in your home. Say goodbye to sleep forever. Stop looking at me! I feel like he’s gonna make ferret-sucking type noises with those teeth.
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3D Printed Replica Of Your Unborn Fetus

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3D printed baby
Ahhh, isn’t that cute? No. Fetuses look weird and freakish. It might be cute if it was cosplaying as a Pokemon or something. Or if it appeared to me in a dream with a little mustache and goatee, telling me I have to save the world. But no. Not cute.

This place will sell you a 3D Printed Replica Of Your Unborn Fetus so you can show it to your kid 20 years from now and watch him or her wig out when he realizes he was basically a tadpole with limbs.

P.S. Just called my mom and asked her to buy one. She sent them a pic of my freakish sonogram. After that nothing. So I called them back today and their operation sucks over there. Bad timing on our part. Seems like they have a little suicide/madness problem in house. Plus I could hear crying and shrieking in the background, along with, “I can’t create that! Don’t make me look again! It doesn’t exist. It SHOULDN’T exist!” Click.

Wow. Wonder what their problem is! I haven’t encountered anything like that since the guy who actually did the sonogram had a look at the unborn fetus and went nuts. He immediately completed the Japanese ritual of seppuku in the hospital room and prayed for “humanity’s protection from such foul beasts”. Anywho, check out this weird fetus art.
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Brain Bowls: It’s All Brain Food Now

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brain bowls
Brains! Brains! The magical bowls.
Zombies eat ’em to get their lols.

Buy some today, be a good consumer,
Send yours back if it has a tumor.

Drop ’em and watch them shatter,
Lining your kitchen with Fruity Pebbles and grey matter.

These brain bowls are awesome, but they’re going to attract all of the neighborhood zombies for sure. No! Bad Zombie. You can have the Lucky Charms I poured you, but don’t eat the bowl. No. No! Don’t make me get the spray bottle.
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