Tag: etsy

Bride of Frankensquirrel: It’s Alive! It’s- No, Nevermind

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bride of frankenstein taxidermy squirrel
This is the problem with collecting Squirrel parts, sewing them together and reanimating their corpse. They always want a bride. Hey guys, we gotta have somewhere to store our nuts? Am I right? *High Five! Waits. Nothing. Shrugs* I’m just saying we all want a mate, even Franken-Squirrels.

This one’s a keeper. Looks like she just got back from the electricity outlet salon and she’s doing that zombie walk that monsters do. And she obviously won’t kill your credit card buying a wardrobe. Her clothes are half off already. I mean, in both price(Look at that ratty thing) and literally falling off.
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Alien Face Hugger Ski Mask

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crochet alien face hugger
This Alien Face Hugger Ski Mask is perfect for any heist where you want to rob somebody AND be impregnated down the throat by a gross and nasty alien. You heard me, put all the money in the bag. You don’t want me around when my chest explodes! *BOOM. SPLAT!* What did I tell you? Wipe that blood off your face and get on the floor. It’s snack time for baby alien. By the way, I could use a doctor after that explosive C section.

It won’t really keep you warm in the winter months, but it will keep other humans away from you. In my book, that’s a win. I ain’t anti-social. Just anti-people! That’s also why I use the Alien Face Hugger dog leash.
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Mythical Creature Dioramas

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mythical creature diorama chupacabra
These mythical creature dioramas from Etsy seller PearsonMaron are a fun way to celebrate El Chupacabra, Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. These fun and cartoony scenes make these terrifying creatures a little friendlier. I’m sure that Chupacabra is not going to suck all of the blood from that goat. He’s just gonna- Oh, who am I kidding? He is going to rip that goat a new throat-hole and then go back to the underground lab that genetically spawned him.

These creatures scare me to death. The other day I visited a petting zoo and spotted some hoof prints in the snow and I knew that either a Chupacabra or a demon was on the loose.

Those were just baby goat tracks.

Really? Then how do you explain the fact that they were FOLLOWING that baby goat from behind? I never did see it again. It’s the same way I know when a Bigfoot is following me. His tracks are always leading right TO ME. I am so close to cracking this conspiracy.
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Nasty Human Mouth Coffee Cup

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mouth coffee cup
Is it wrong that these nasty mouth coffee cups make me want to tongue my mug really good to get that last drop of coffee? I’m a sucker for a mouth that looks like it belongs to a sea hag with a serious meth problem. No, meth problem. Not math problem. She only has a math problem if she can’t count the few teeth she has.

These human mouth coffee mugs certainly look enticing. They are based on new technology that makes you vomit a little in your cup for every sip you take. A sip of coffee for a bit of sick sounds like a fair exchange to me. However that anus with a tooth known as “C” really scares me.
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Hibernate With This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

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sleeping bear bean bag
Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. Some days you just lay down with the bear and roll around like a couple goofballs and hope to hell your buddy doesn’t rip your spleen out or take your face off.

This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag looks pretty obese. That means he’s a good cuddler. At least that’s why my wife says I’m so cuddly. This fat bear is not just for sitting on. He’ll keep you warm even on the coldest night. And if he doesn’t I’ll just turn my lightsaber on and cut into his belly and climb in until a snowspeeder spots me in the morning. Then I’ll spend like 4 hours in a bacta tank recovering. It won’t be long before I head to the Dagobah system to train as a Jedi. Go me!
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